Alive & Well

by Kyle Rose

Post-holiday blues-get over them!

The holidays are over and suddenly, after all that excitement and expectation, after all the parties, presents and decorations daily routine seems pretty dull and empty.

Winter is settling in and the days of cold, bleak skies and snow turned slush seem endlessly monotonous.

Yes, these are the winter blues, the blahs, the I can't quite put my finger on it but I feel depressed days. We're not just sure why we feel this way and so we begin to feel lost and helpless in addition and then the downward spiral begins.

Now, before I go any further, one thing I want to make clear is that these days (and this column) are by no means limited to that specific condition known as the winter blues but applies to the whole family of blues, most depressions and many grievings as well.

First, don't go into a panic. Ask yourself if you had these days before you were HIV challenged (or single or out of work or what have you). I know I did. And while your status may be affecting the situation it most likely is not responsible for it so don't go off the deep end.

My Turn

I'm not telling you to minimize what's going on by any means, but don't exaggerate it either.

Second, chance are that there is some subtle grief and maybe even anger mixed in with those blues. That's okay. Don't run away from it and don't let it engulf you. Let yourself feel it. It can't be healed and it won't go away if you don't let yourself gently touch it.

Third, validate yourself. Yes, I feel lousy. Yes, I feel depressed. Yes, this stinks. It has to be real before you can do anything about it.

Fourth, do something! A conscious decision to do nothing is really doing something because you have then made a decision to do nothing and there is power even in that. You need a break and that's okay too but then you need to acknowledge it and give it to yourself. You can say, "Okay, I feel blue today so I'm just going to stay home and take care of myself." That's great! Do it! But don't say "Oh what am I going to do, I'm not in a great mood, but I need to do all this stuff, but I'm not up to it, but what will happen if I don't" and waste a whole day so busy fretting that you don't get anything done and don't get a break.

January 10, 1992

GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

Believe it or not that's only part one. Now, if you haven't gotten caught in that downward cycle as it spirals deeper into a depression-that seems like it will go on forever with no way out you can probably stop right here. But I know I am usually halfway into the depression before I realize what's really going on. After all its much easier to just keep saying "I'm fine.... than it is to actually deal with not being fine. But sooner or letter, like it or not, I'm not fine, I'm depressed, I'm trapped by my depression and its time to do something about it. So here's part two:

1. Throw out all the shoulds, I should be doing this or that only increases the feelings of inadequacy and it snowballs from there.

2. Set limitations: I don't have to be happy, energetic or "fine."I'm allowed to feel depressed.

3. Set simple goals that you can do: getting our of bed or taking a shower, putting on clean clothes or washing the dishes. You've done something!

4. Be gentle with yourself. Hold yourself, talk nice to yourself, sit back and savor a cup of tea and a good book or movie an relax.

5. Let yourself feel your feelings. Don't runaway, hide or try and deny them. As said earlier you have to let them be real in order to heal and release them.

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6. Concentrate on the simple things like eating right and sleeping right. Don't complicate things by thinking too much and trying to figure everything out.

7. Reach out! We can all use friends and everyone, including our friends have gone through this at one time or another. Too often we feel ashamed of feeling blue. But that's just not the way it is. And our friends know even if we don't.

8. Journal, write yourself or write to an imaginary pen-pal (or real one). Write whatever you want, just doing it is what counts. No one has to read it if you don't want them to. (I have to tell you that this one is always the hardest for me to let myself do and it is also the one that always helps the most.)

9. Remember that the fear of anything is always scarier than the reality. Being afraid of not getting out of depression is much scarier than giving in to it and then doing something about it.

10. Get out of yourself and do something for someone else! Too often we get too wrapped up where we're at and it grows our of proportion. So take a break, step our and help someone else. It works! And finally, part three:

Treat yourself to a new haircut and massage at the Living Room, stay for a cup of coffee, read the Chronicle to find out what's going on and go do it.▼

This column is to be written by a person of color, for people of color. If you would like to write for this space, please call Kimberly Tavlor at 621-5280.

by Frank Lowery

What is necessary to make it as an African-American gay man or lesbian in the '90s? Believe it or not, the same things that it has always required: education, self-esteem, goals and determination, social skills and a sense of humor. These ideas are by no means original and I would never presume to lecture anyone, but I feel these things are very important if our community is to thrive.

We should never let someone else make us feel bad for trying to better ourselves. In the end, it's our opinion that counts as we'll have to live with our decisions. If people are intimidated by that, that's their problem. Let's keep our sights on the "big picture."

As lesbians and gays, it is also important to educate ourselves as to what is going on around us. AIDS has hit the African-American community in a big way. With all the information that is available, there are no excuses-Be informed and keep (start) using those condoms!

How comfortable are you with you? It may sound like a silly question but, in order to be loving and caring individuals, we need to love and care about ourselves first. This isn't an ego thing-just plain old common sense. Try to make intelligent decisions about your life so you don't feel compromised.

Make some goals for yourself and stick to them. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Use free time wisely, maybe do some volunteer work. There are so many areas of the lesbian and gay community that could use some of our "black magic." Our community is so under-represented in many of the help organizations. Maybe you don't need a hand, but think of the other people coming out and the adversity they will face.

Use other avenues besides the bars to exchange your ideas. Brush up on those social skills! We have many bar friends, but how many of them can we call up to have lunch or see a movie? Are we comfortable inviting people to our homes to watch something as thought-provoking as Tongues Untied and then discussing it afterward? Can we discuss topics that are of importance to us in a way that is understood by the person(s) present?

Are we able to laugh at ourselves? It is almost impossible to imagine that we could not... Let's use that energy for something positive. Instead of tearing each other down, let's be a source of building and change. Conviction can be an overwhelming thing when we work together.

As an African-American gay male

I can only relate from that perspective. What I hope this column will bring to the Chronicle is a free exchange of ideas from the people of color community atlarge. I know there are a lot of people out there with things to say (I know. I've listened to some of them complain), and I, for one, would like to hear them.▼

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